September 4, 2024
NEW DELHI – Whether it is an arranged marriage organized through traditional matchmakers or a Western-style wedding planned by the couple themselves after multiple dates and perhaps a period of cohabitation, the basic purpose is the same. It is to find out if there is enough compatibility between the partners to enable them to live a long, peaceful if not a happy married life. There are many areas where compatibility is important, but perhaps the three most important ones are intellectual, emotional and physical; a marriage is after all a union of heart, brain and body.
Financial parity is a close fourth, but a wealthier partner can share the bigger burden of family expenses, and it is easy for a poor person to get used to a good life. Religious differences can sometimes be a dealbreaker, but it is not uncommon for people to convert into a would-be spouse’s religion to make sure there are no issues. Then there are other areas such as common interests and cultural customs, but they seem to be manageable or tolerable. A new area of incompatibility has emerged in recent years, especially in the US which might be termed “political incompatibility”. It started once Donald Trump became the US president; shockingly and surprisingly it has split the country into two. It is not just the difference in ideology and policies of the Democrats and Republicans; it is an intolerance of everything about the other party and its members. The looks, voices, speeches and comments, non-verbal gestures and even unspoken words of the leaders are critically analysed and spread through social media.
Trump has been described by the liberals as “fascist”, “racist”, “white supremacist”, “Hitler-type dictator”, “liar”, “misogynist”, “Xenophobic” and probably many other adjectives which are much worse. The Trump-haters despise him to such an extent that a new term “Trump Derangement Syndrome” (TDS) has emerged. The Trump-supporters, the so-called MAGA crowd feel equally strongly about the Democrats. They think that Democrats are destroying the country by opening the southern border allowing uncontrolled illegal immigration, drug trafficking and human trafficking. They also blame Joe Biden’s policies for raging inflation and the position of weakness of the US in the world arena. The irony is that the two groups are almost evenly divided and any debate between the groups is a neverending proposition with no middle ground.
It seems that the mere mention of Trump and Biden/Obama bring out the worst emotions in partisan supporters. American politics have always been a two-party system with some degree of animosity between partisan supporters, but it was always manageable, often with humour. I would like to suggest to any couple seriously engaged in a romantic relationship that political compatibility is the first issue that needs to be discussed and put to rest. It is unthinkable that a Trump supporter and an Obama supporter can get married and live happily ever after. The political difference will raise its ugly head in almost all dayto-day domestic activities: watching a news channel, reading newspapers, deciding what car to purchase (electric versus gasoline powered), selecting a home (a condominium near downtown versus a suburban home with acreage), finding the best school for children (public versus private), religious practices, raising children (for example, making them pro-abortion and LGBT culture), making investment decisions and the list goes on.
These decisions affect married life in a much more significant way than other incompatibilities. Strong political differences between a married couple were not a major problem and could occasionally be dealt with humour. Arnold Schwarzneggar, the one-time Republican governor of California, was married to Maria Shriver of the Kennedy family and presumably a staunch Democrat. Arnold was once asked by a reporter how he kept peace at home. He responded with a chuckle, “See, I took an oath of marriage whereby I must stand by my spouse through sickness and health. Being a Democrat is a kind of sickness and I accept it as such”. Everyone laughed. Those days are gone. Now political disagreements are causing separation and marital problems, if not divorce. Unlike other incompatibilities, couples are often so emotionally vested to their causes that traditional marriage counselling will not work. The wise thing to do is not to enter a relationship with someone with an opposing political viewpoint. Personally, I find this issue puzzling.
As an unbiased observer, I frequently find Trump’s comments to be inappropriate if not offensive. However, that does not make all his policies bad or make him evil. Of course, there is a fundamental difference in ideology that is driving the separation: should the US be only for Americans, or some utopian destination for all poor and destitute people from around the world? However, there is something else driving this wedge. I have asked many of my antiTrump friends why they dislike him so much. The most common answer is that he is mean, offensive, rude and a bragger in his comments not only about his opponents but just about everyone else. In American social interactions, there is an unspoken code of conduct: be polite, be respectful to others even if you disagree with them, do not talk loudly, do not attack someone personally in public, say “thank you” and “please”, etc. Trump seems to violate all the above. I do not know if it is his true nature; it is more likely that he learned the lesson from his professional experiences. He saw that passive diplomacy does not get us anywhere.
As an example, think of Jimmy Carter – probably the nicest and most humble president ever but one who is remembered only for his failure in freeing American hostages in Iran. Trump knew that there is a hidden appetite among the “silent majority” in this country for aggressiveness in US politics. Even with his persona in the TV show “Apprentice” he found that his popularity soared because of his blunt attacks, the most famous being the line “You are fired”. His political negotiation techniques follow the same pattern. No one expected Trump to win against Hillary Clinton in 2016. Once he was in power and started to follow his “bull in a China shop” approach, everyone in political circles got concerned that this guy might expose all the corruption and behind the scenes wheeling and dealing. To make matters worse, Trump could not be controlled by pouring money from billionaire donors into his causes which is the typical playbook in politics.
As a result, a much bigger anti-Trump coalition started to form consisting of not only the Democrats but also many Republicans (the so-called RINOs) as well as foreign powers. There is a secondary reason. A multitude of news networks and mainstream newspapers started broadcasting anti-Trump stories and messages 24/7, whether they were true or not. As psychologists can attest, this continuous negative publicity gets into one’s thought processes and attitudes eventually resulting in a personality disorder a la TDS.
The same thing happens on the right with Fox News, but Fox seems to be somewhat confused about how far right they should lean, and its impact is more moderate. I do not know how this hyper partisanship will end. It is unlikely that it would lead to something drastic like a civil war but I do believe that Trump has introduced a big question mark in the traditional American way of social interactions. This is why political compatibility is so important. I hope India does not face a similarly intense Narendra Modi versus Rahul Gandhi (or anyone else) situation in relationships.